Another day has passed and still no words. Why?
Is this just another case of writer's block, or is it time to start writing about matters that matter?
There's something about me that you may not know. It's something that has taken so much of my strength to endure, all my powers of positive thinking to come to terms with and every ounce of faith to get through.
It's something I've wanted to tell you from the beginning, but didn't know how to break it to you, or when was the perfect time.
Perhaps now is.
In September 2000, just a few months before my 30th birthday, I went to see my GP (General Practitioner) to get results of a recent blood test. As I waited in the lounge I began wondering what could have caused my periods to cease after I stopped taking the pill six months earlier.
I was a little nervous. You see, what prompted me to have the tests done in the first instance, was a comment made by my mother a week earlier.
I was a little nervous. You see, what prompted me to have the tests done in the first instance, was a comment made by my mother a week earlier.
We were sitting on the couch, side by side, when I felt a wave of heat come over me. This was not the first time. My cheeks flushed, burning hot, and I tore my jumper (sweater) off quicker than a groom removes his bride's lingerie. Mum jested, "Are you having a hot flush?" and with that, I began to wonder...
For as long as I can remember, Mum often warned me and her nieces of the necessity to procreate early - "If you want to have children, you'd better have them young... women go through menopause early in our family.... my great aunt was 33 when she went through menopause"
Years later I learned that the great aunt story was out by at least a decade. According to my grandmother, said aunt was in her 40's. However I can't help wondering whether the constant reminder of the tale planted a seed that eventually became my truth.
ANYWAY...
"Grace Mimmo!" called my doctor, and I followed her into her room. She read out the blood test results addressing each of my hormone levels. She deduced that I was post menopausal.
POST MENOPAUSAL!!! How was that possible? I hadn't even turned 30!
Everything sounded like it was being projected through jelly (jello) from that point on. Slow motion. Even the voice in my head was dazed, saying over and over - "I can't believe it, it can't be true, it must be a mistake, my mum was right, but I'm too young, this is not possible..."
I must have looked like a zombie as I walked from the clinic to my car. I sat and stared into nothingness. Stunned. Shocked. Desperate.
I must have looked like a zombie as I walked from the clinic to my car. I sat and stared into nothingness. Stunned. Shocked. Desperate.
"What do I do now? Who do I call?" I quizzed myself. "Kylie", I heard myself answer. Isn't that the first sign of insanity? That was the realm I was about to enter.
Until tomorrow, may we all have courage to continue our stories.
Grace xx
Posts
Hi Grace,
ReplyDeleteI too was diagnosed with POF. Just wanted to post and show my support for what you are doing. Hope to post more in the future.
E
Me too. I was in my mid twenties when I was diagnosed but buried my head in the sand for some time as I thought 'no way' - unfortunately it is a case of 'yes way'! I think it shows real strength to openly talk about your diagnosis Grace. Heather x
ReplyDeleteIt's a very brave step to share POF story. I, too, was diagnosed with POF last year when I was still 18 years old. Totally unbelievable! I felt really worthless, but having POF has also made me a much stronger individual.
ReplyDeleteNI
Thank you E xx
ReplyDeleteThank you Heather xx
ReplyDeleteThank you NI. I'm amazed and inspired at how you're feeling stronger after just 1 year. It took me several years to get to a point of feeling strong. Though in saying that, I still have my weak days. xx
ReplyDeleteHi Grace
ReplyDeletesomeone close forwarded your blog to encourage me to fight the medical conditon i am now in. I read your blog ...denial , anger, bargaining n depression. When the doc told me my condition it was disbelief ,shock, paralysis n then questions questions questions. Anger followed....Being a mum i had to manage just in case it affected my daughter. In stead of bargaining which i blocked out, i began to suppress all the denial, the anger n prevent i cant take it. I laughed to make things all right....
My doc saw through me n commented that i could not be too independent. I hung in there as i dint want the whole situation to affect my girl or family. I told myself i would bring this secret to my grave.
However it was too much , way too much to handle . When i was all alone, bargaining started. Resistance, struggle started up to the point of giving up n then depression set in. Outwardly i appeared ok but inwardly, uncertainty, fear, anger , denial, bargaining took a toll on my mental state.
Recently my doc told me there is sign of menopause on top of my condition. I am not looking to have kids anymore. I am single mum who has gone through crap during the divorce n single handedly brought up my girl. But with so many medical conditions eating me up at the same time... i find it so hard to handle.
Denial, anger all in one day..... Suppression of emotions n build up followed by bargaining n depression hit home. i think of ending it all but my girl is innocent n if i am gone she will be alone.
I am still suffering from both .... decided acceptance must follow. yes i agree. acceptance is not giving up. So right now all that is in my mind is no longer why, how come .... but how to live each sec the happiest way i can be. I read that you are travelling/ touring?
You are blessed in other things. I am blessed with a wonderful girl who keeps me going....
Lets continue to keep our head high...
Regards
s